Nothing Eva Goes Their Way…
by Redundant Goddess
Summary: From a bad pun title to the worst day for the Second and Third child will eva encounter. Will they both live to tell the tale or kill each other in the process? Either way it's going to be funny! (Chapter Two online)
1. Give Us a Beginning We Know Something Wi...

Disclaimer: All characters that are written about in this fix are NOT, I repeat, NOT mine. Which is a real shame coz I could have probably made the whole Eva series a lil' less mind warping. *shrugs* Still, never mind. I don't own anything… I'm poor. SO DON'T SUE! Danke Schon… Wark.

(A/N: WARNING: due to my general lack of spelling ability I may well spell many a Japanese names or German phrase wrong, so I apologise in advance for any of my crap spelling mistakes I will most likely make in this fic. Also I would like to warn people of my very, very odd mind. I am weird. But, I would like to thank Ilphi for giving me this challenge. Asuka and Shinji get locked in somewhere after a test. *shrugs* it sounded like a good idea to me. So with that all said and done let us all sit back and enjoy this random Eva fic. BO SELECTA!)

# Nothing Eva Goes Their Way…

## By The Redundant Goddess…

# Give Us a Beginning/ We Know Something Will Happen…

Lets start the story like most stories after an event… with a rundown of what has happened after said event. For instance this so called big event would be the failed attempt of a third impact scenario for told, or rather, wanted by Seele. A bunch of old geezers trying to play God but got the wool pulled over their eyes by one Gendo " I am an 3vil bastard with cool sun glasses" Ikari, thus ending up with a total mind warping fest with the whole world nearly going to pot, but for some strange reason… didn't.

Any way, after the really crap attempt at blowing the world to Ka-boomie-ville, things in Tokyo 3 started to get better. By better we mean that there were no more angels to blow up, no more insane idiots with lots of dosh to spend on giant humanoid type mecha's that held the key to destroying pretty much everything on the face of the planet and the workers at Nerv finally got their Christmas party. Much to the approval of the new head of Nerv, Major, or rather, Commander Misato Katsuragi, who only got the job due to the UN finding out about Gendo's naughty little lies and locking him up in a low security prison somewhere in England (Most likely the same place they stuffed Jeffery Archer). But still, life was getting back to normal and after a year or so without incident everyone thought they would see the last of the Eva's. However, everyone, including those poor souls at Nerv, were wrong. 

For some strange and most likely, knowing the way things go when any Eva is evolved, misguided reason, the UN decided to let Nerv continue it's work and keep the Eva's up and running in case anyone wanted to try destroy the world again. Quite a good reason by all accounts, except maybe the fact that after second impact there weren't many people left on earth who wanted to go up in arms and declare war on anyone. So, boredom followed very shortly after Commander Katsuragi's appointment as Head of Nerv, even with her random staff parties. Everyone was bored. Well, except maybe Dr Ritsuko Akgai.

With good ol' Gendo getting locked up, the charges the former head of Nerv had placed upon the good, if ever so slightly messed up, Doctor were dropped. Thus leaving her to do what ever she wanted… with the Eva's. Not a very good thing if your name is Maya Ibuki, general dogs body and one-person fan club of said Dr Akgai. The poor girl was subjected to more orders than a curry house after a football match. More tests here and more tests there, the poor girl was worn out and all for the benefit of someone who wasn't a real blonde. Yet, Miss Ibuki wasn't the only one to suffer for Dr Akgai's fun and today was to be no exception…

**Now on to the real story.**

It was early morning in Tokyo 3. People were still blissfully snoring and snoozing as the sun peeked its head up and over the horizon of the rather cool looking citadel. However, that was not to last, as the time neared 7:00 am. A fate more terrifying than any of the impacts before would engulf the sleeping city. 

Beep!

" GET UP BAKA!"

Crack!

"ARGH… WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR AUSKA?"

Smack!

"WHY THE HELL NOT DUMM KOPF!"

Wallop!

And it went on like that for another half an hour. The whole of Tokyo 3 shook rattled and nearly damn well collapsed from all the noise and violence taking place in one apartment building. You can guess which one it was because after that half hour there came a loud bird like sound or another voice.

"WILL YOU TWO SUT UP ALREADY I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP! DON'Y MAKE ME GET MY GUN OUT!" Screamed one, slightly hung over, Commander Misato.

Then, silence swept over the city. Not exactly a good wake up call, but it worked. Everyone in Tokyo 3 never slept in. How could they when they had that racket to contend with?

The morning played out like any other morning in the Katsuragi flat of d00m. Shinji Ikrai, the seriously shy and not so messed up any more Pilot of Eva Unit 01, would get up, get dressed in his spiffy looking school uniform and carefully, with out breaking his neck by falling arse over tit on an empty Beer can, made his way to the kitchen and with any luck would make a breakfast that met with his co-flat mate picky standards.

Luckily it wasn't the scary lady with the gun, Misato generally didn't care what she ate as long as it didn't taste like something she had just vomited up in the toilet after a hard nights drinking session. It also wasn't the, somewhat, evil looking penguin that lived in the fridge next to the beer fridge that frightened Shinji. Pen Pen was actually quite a fan of the young Ikari's cooking and would only peck the poor boy if he forgot to give him thirds. No, the person Shinji most feared when it came to his breakfast/ life was one Asuka Langley… what's her face. The red devil incarnate, as the other two of the three stooges had put it. 

Now, although Shinji rarely spoke ill of anybody, well except maybe his father who was a complete bastard and everyone didn't mind Shinji bad mouth, Asuka was one person he would love to diss in public, if it wasn't for the fact she could beat his arse five ways from Sunday. 

Although he accepted that she was the same as he, by that we mean a little fucked up in the head due to their tragic child hoods, and that he sympathised with her, he had agreed with himself long ago that… she was a complete and utter bitch! Okay, she had to live with the fact that she saw her mother's dead body hanging when she was just little, but that was no reason for her to come in to his room every frigging morning and kick the living crap out of him, demanding he get up. Then on top of that lovely start to the morning, have her randomly hit and shout verbal abuse at him all day until he went to sleep, but even there she managed to invade his dreams with:

"YOU PERVET!"

All, in all Shinji really didn't like Asuka. He would have probably liked her more if it weren't for that fact she did all those things above and more. She had nice moments, but on the whole was a total and utter bitch to him and his friends. _I just wish I could stand up to her a bit more…_thought Shinji as stirred something absolutely delicious. _Maybe she would respect me more and might be nice to me…_

"Hey Shinji!" Beckoned the demonic red haired pilot of Unit 02 causing Shinji to jump and yelp as he tossed something in the hot pan causing a little drop of very hot oil to splash onto his hand. " Is my breakfast done yet?"

"In a minute!" He managed to whimper back as he tended to his scolded hand. 

Meanwhile Shinji felt a small peck; or rather bite, in his left leg. Another yelp and holler escaped Shinji's throat as he bent down to rub his leg and find his attacker. Pen Pen the evil looking warm water penguin gave the young boy a stern look and a tap of his webbed feet.

"I said it'll be a minute okay, but I'll make sure I give you the large portions okay?" Said the pilot of Unit 01, who was at that very moment balancing on his uninjured leg trying to serve up whatever he had been cooking. When he had finally managed to do the somewhat difficult, problematic task, another ugly problem reared its ugly head.

"What's that about large portions?" asked an "I am so up for a ruckus" looking Asuka.

Knowing he was on dangerous ground when it came to the words " Large" and "Asuka", Shinji came up with the best and truthful answer.

"I…I..I..I was just saying to Pen Pen that I'll make sure he gets a large portion since he had to put up with Misato's drunken antics last night." Stuttered the poor boy, hoping Askua would just drop the subject and not escalate it into world war 23, by their count.

The red devil gave Shinji and funny look as she sat to her breakfast of… something or another that smelt really good.

"Really? But what if I wanted a large portion too?" She asked, whilst tucking in.

"Well, I..I guess you could have a large portion too, if you wanted Asuka." The young pilot absently replied as he too sat himself down at the table and ate his creation. However, this… peace was not to last, as Shinji's last innocent comment would cost him.

"SO YOU THINK I AM FAT DO YOU?" Roared the second child.

"Huh?"

"YOU THINK I AM FAT! THAT'S WHY YOU GAVE THE STUPID BIRD MORE THAN ME!"

"Asuka… I"

"COME ON THIRD CHILD! WHAT DO YOU THINK?" She screeched as she whirled round the table and shoved her bum in the poor long suffering Shinji's face. "DOES MEIN BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?"

"ASUKA!" He cried, trying to look at something other than her arse. "PUT IT AWAY PLEASE!"

And thus another war of words broke out, with Asuka being the winner, as per usual, and kicking Shinji on his un-injured leg. With that out of the way Asuka quickly gobbled up what was left on her plate and went on her merry way to school, leaving Shinji with the washing up, a hungry Pen Pen and an aching body. If he thought his day was bad now, he couldn't wait to see what school was going to be like. That is, if he ever got there…

### Somewhere in the depths of Nerv's Eva research labs of d00m…

"Maya!" yelled one Dr Akagi. " Send word to the men in black suites division! We need to get the pilots in for some…" She let out a heart warming loving sigh as she hugged her laptop computer lovingly. "… Tests!"

"Yes Ma'm" Replied a very groggy, tired looking Maya Ibuki leaving her wonderful boss skipping about the lab with a song in her heart. Today was indeed going to be a bad day.

(A/N: Hehehe. Okay, not very original start, but hell it's a start. If you have any comments you would like to put forward about this fic, good or bad, please feel free to use the little box at the bottom of this page. But for now I just hoped you enjoyed the beginning of this silly little fic and don't worry, Rei will make an appearance. She r0x0rs my s0x0rs don't you know. So be happy and review me! PIES!)


	2. Lessons Are NonExistent Awaiting The Cho...

Disclaimer: All characters that are written about in this fix are NOT, I repeat, NOT mine. Which is a real shame coz I could have probably made the whole Eva series a lil' less mind warping. *shrugs* Still, never mind. I don't own anything… I'm poor. SO DON'T SUE! Danke Schon… Wark.

(A/N: Okay, my warped mind is at it again, another chapter born out of sheer boredom and the desperate need for some sort of relaxation before my Philosophy of Religion re-sit tomorrow. So if you see something remotely on the lines of why God exists and so forth… blame the philosophical hamster of d00m AKA my philosophy teacher. *ahem* any way, now onto the main event! Cue funky Eva theme tune!)

Nothing Eva Goes Their Way… By The Redundant Goddess… 

**Lessons Are Non-Existent/ Awaiting The Chosen**

****

After a painfully/-excruciating walk to school, Shinji Ikari had just managed to hobble in just before the bell rang. Not that anyone, including their doddery, old teacher, would have given a toss, but the thought of having to explain why he was late to Super Class-Rep Girl Hikari made Shinji's Asuka related injuries hurt even more. The thought of Asuka finding out he was late any way made him want to give up and die any way. Luckily only one of the two teenage girls actually seemed to be in the room and gave the pained pilot of unit 01. The other was presumably making out with her jock boyfriend somewhere on campus. Not that Shinji wanted to know that, but still.

Yet, he did spy one other stooge, Kensuke Aida, who was a total geek solider boy who liked to play Mr Big Movie Director when ever possible. In fact he was having one of those moments right at that very moment as he aimed his camera at the ever-reclusive Rei Ayanami. (A/N: HURRAH!)

 Although Rei was the third version of a whole bunch of Rei's created by Shinji's rather unhinged father, which in turn lead to a lack of social skills and basic human emotion, Over the past two years the young albino had developed into a more normal girl, whatever normal means for a garnet eyed clone. She had even managed to knock Asuka in her place a couple of times. Still, whenever Shinji thought of her he couldn't help but shudder at what he knew of her. _It's not nice knowing that she is one of a long line genetic clones of my mother, which pretty much all of them got murdered by Dr Akagi right in front of my eyes. And people wonder why I am so messed up?_

Another bell rang out in the classroom snapping Shinji out of his ever disturbing, yet non hentai-ish, thoughts. Without the bossy Hikari nobody bothered to stand up when their teacher walked in, not that their usual teacher would notice any way. However the person that had just walked in wasn't their usual teacher. He was younger. In fact He was a She, wearing a rather smart suit not leaving much to the imagination and her long white hair rapped in a bun at the top of her head.

"Good morning class." She smiled warmly at the obviously stunned class. " I am sorry your usual teacher couldn't be here, something to do with Repo men. Any way I am your Sub, Miss Orikio."

"Hi-I-I  Miss Orikio." The class managed to cough up, the shock still taking its toll. Mainly on the male population, who couldn't believe such a nice looking woman had just waltzed into their classroom and announced she was their Sub. Needless to say Kensuke was definitely getting a lot of footage of the new woman to show Touji on what he had missed during his long absence with his " Girlfriend". 

The sub gave a small chuckle.

"Now, it's nice to see so many people here. I guess your class must be really boring ne?"

The room gave a small collective nervous laugh, with the exception of Asuka, who for some reason was giving the Sub serve evils. 

"Well, that's alright, since I have it on the knowledge that your usual teacher will not be joining you again till tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. I have decided that for this day and this day only you shall experience total educational freedom."

"HUH?" A massive cry escaped from every wide-eyed single 16 year old in the room, with Rei being the most enthusiastic, which surprised a lot of people. 

But Miss Orikio just gave a small sigh and a quick roll of her blue eyes.

"I mean you can do whatever you want! As long as you hand it in tomorrow before your teacher gets back. We'll make a presentation out of it."

A Mass of noise, cheers cries erupted from the small usually dull classroom. The student's hearts nearly leapt out of their rib cage. Hope soared, swooped and triple looped in everyone's tummies. Kensuke, whilst filming of course, jumped up and down with joy. While Rei, over come with emotion, smiled. Her garnet eyes sparkling with joy. An emotion rarely ever seen in an Eva pilot's life. Even Asuka gave Shinji a happy grin before jumping up on her desk and screaming at the top of her lungs:

" DANKE SCHON MEIN GOTT IN HEAVEN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

 For Shinji, this was a very good and happy thing. Although school was a safe haven from cooking, cleaning, Eva's and possibly Asuka's. It sure was damned boring. So with the coming of this new and glorious teacher Shinji could finally do what he wanted. He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but by George! It certainly made up for the shit morning he had so far, why in a mood like this he could have even possibly forgiven Asuka for being such an insane sadomasochistic bitch that morning.

Yet like all good things, especially when it came to those children hand picked to pilot Eva's. Good things never seemed to last very long. Say… a minute long. For as soon as Shinji got up from his desk and started to dance and celebrate with everyone else two men in black suites entered the room. Both wearing Nerv Badges and matching Nerv sunglasses, for that extra "Hired Goon" effect.

"Ahem" 

The brown haired one coughed hoping someone might take notice of their presence. Of course that didn't happen. So the Blonde haired one pulled out his Nerv Issue hand gun and fired of a couple of rounds. The room fell into a deadly silence. All eyes were fixed on the two suites including Miss Orikio's. It had obviously worked.

"Thank you Dave." Sighed the brown haired MIB.

"Your Welcome Barry." Grinned the Blonde as he put away his beloved handgun.

"Ahem." Coughed Miss Orikio. " May I ask what you are doing here before you start opening fire again?"

The man in black known as Barry gave an embraced and apologetic look towards the substitute teacher.

"Yes sorry about that Miss, Dave does like to whip out his gun. A lot. Oh Hey Rei!"  He waved to the smiling Albino who just replied in her usual soft voice.

"Hello Barry. Hello Dave."

"Yo!" Smiled Dave. 

"Well any way." Barry continued trying to regain his composure as a rough tough hired muscle man. " We have come to retrieve the first, second and third child for important tests by order of Commander Katsurgai and Dr Akagi. Well mainly Dr Akagi actually."

Miss Oriko looked a bit confused.

"First, third second children? Tests? What do you mean by that?"

"Dude!" Dave chirped happily. " Rei Ayanami, Asuka Langley… yeah what ever and Shinji Ikari are the chosen pilots of the Evangelions Lady! They are very important kids ya know. And like Dr Peroxide needs them for some secret tests. Or summat like that I can't remember."

All three pilots looked at their teacher in total shock, well for Rei it was more of a "Oh, damn." Look. While Shinji and Asuka went for the full. " DEAR GOD NO! NOT TODAY!" Look. However the sub didn't exactly read the expressions correctly and thus decided to say the following.

"Well, if you are that important I guess I had better let you go. I guess you'll have more fun any way. Sure sounds exciting going for special tests."

"ARE YOU KIDDING LADY?" Screamed Asuka, who looked like she was going to die of a heart attack right there and then.

"I have to agree with pilot 02 on the matter of Tests being exciting." Said Rei in her usual monotone voice only with a bit more feeling. Obviously not wanting to go any where near Nerv that day.

"But.., but… but…" Was all a wide-eyed third child could mutter. His perfect school day, no, life! Was now being ruined by, yet again, the work of his damned father. _WHY ME? This would be a really good time to run away…_

" I DON'T WANNA GO!" pilot 02 continued to wail as Dave and Barry prepared to drag the young German girl all the way to Nerv headquarters. "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

As Rei and Shinji made their way to the door in death march fashion, the young Mr Adia's ears picked up.

"HEY! If Asuka doesn't want to get dragged away by two cool MIB's to do tests on piloting an Eva, I'LL DO IT!" He cried hopefully.

However Dave and Barry just chuckled.

"Sorry Adia! You know we'd love to drag you away with us, but you're not a pilot!" Cried Dave over the racket and fuss the red devil was making.

Kensuke fell back in his seat and pouted, looking very much like a wounded Donald duck.

"Geez, rub it in why don't ya."

 It was quite a time before the two hired suits managed to get a good grip on the high-strung German girl. But some how they managed to do it and with one flying quick from Asuka… 

CRACK!

…That connected with Shinji's head,

"OWW!"

"THAT'S FOR YOUR BAKA FATHER CREATING THE STUPID EVA'S SCHISE KOPF!"

 The three pilots of Eva left the building, but soon afterwards a couple of teens bust into the room looking very messy, with shirts un tucked and faces reddened with sinful guilt.

"Sorry we're late." Squeaked Hikari, trying to avoid the eye popping glances she and her "Boy Friend" Were getting. But luckily, Touji finished for her.

"Did we miss anything?"

Meanwhile In Dr Akagi' Lab Of All Things Complicated… 

"Have the children been summoned Maya?"

Miss Ibuki sighed as she dropped down into her seat, looking and feeling like death warmed up.

"Yes ma'm. They are on their way as we speak."

Ristuko rubbed her hands with glee and took another sip of extra strength Nerv coffee.

"Excellent. Soon my most important test to date will be under way an then… then we shall know."

And right then and there the bleach blonde moley type woman started to cackle and laugh in the most evil manner it would have made the GREAT Gendo Ikrai shake in his little Nerv regulation boots.

"Ma'm" Groaned the tired lad technician. " You should really lay off the coffee for a bit."

(A/N: Okay, I have now completed my exam, I did this chapter over 2 days, and the likely hood is I have failed it. Still, it was fun even though it was also as hard as trying to understand the plot in Eva while stoned and drunk. But any way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one should be better. We actually get onto the main plot and much more philosophy revision induced insanity to come! Please feel free to review and stuff. Btw Miss Orikio is a made up name by me. So if it does mean anything rude or weird in Japanesse I apologise for it. Any hoo til next time. ENJOY! PIES!)


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